The Secret to a Happy Marriage . . .

I often open Internet Explorer to msn.com and read headlines such as "the secret to a long marriage" or "5 secrets to successful marriage" or something similar.  I can't recall if I've ever actually read them, because I only believe in a few universal truths to marriage . . . and they certainly shouldn't be secrets.

1.  Be true to yourself.  Uniting your life with someone is more difficult than it sounds.  While I can look back and say that the first few years of marriage were difficult, it was more after year five or seven that I looked back and sometimes wondered . . . where did I go?  It can be difficult to maintain a strong sense of self while juggling being a wife, mother and employee.  Life experiences in these three categories shapes us, molds us, and changes who we are.  For me, a lot of my husband's views converged on me and a lot of mine on him.  Juggling the challenges of motherhood often mean the ball entitled "ME" was dropped and then kicked under the bed to collect dust bunnies.  Sometimes I'm not sure I knew what I thought about political issues, personal issue, or even religious issues at times because I'd had only a few moments to myself to think about something other than work, dinner, the next stop for the chauffer, paying bills, and how I was going to ensure everyone else's needs were met.

It was when true tragedy struck my home that I learned to find myself again.  When my marriage was truely challenged that I learned for my marraige to succeed, I had to figure out who I was again, what I stood for, and just how much I was willing to take and, more importantly, give.

Then, I simply had to be true to myself.  I think for most people, this means something different.  So I would really define it.  But for me, it meant voicing my opinion more often, standing my ground on what I believed was right or wrong, and refusing to feel guilty or "wrong" for having opinions which conflicted with others.  Not just my husband, but family, co-workers, friends, and society as a whole.

2.  Don't keep lists.  Reciprocity is a necessity of marriage; however, I learned not to give of myself with the expectation that I would somehow receive similar treatment back.  Not all marriages are like mine, however, mine fused two very different persons together.  I could tell you a million stories about the annoying or "unfair" things my husband does.  And I am probably exaggerating only a little.  There are many times when I feel like I make more sacrifices than he does.  Whether it is in which movies we watch, who ends the argument first, or how much slack we cut each other when errors are made, it doesn't matter.  I often feel like I compromise or waive that white flag of peace. 

There are a lot of times when I want to say, "it's a good thing I don't think the same way you do, or we wouldn't have a marriage."  "It's a good thing I'm not like you in ____ because we'd always be fighting."  Or something similar.  There are times I argue in my head, "I should have to say the first word or calm down first, because I always do."  However, by thinking these things I am doing only one thing, keeping a list.  And by keeping a list I am saying to my spouse, I do these things, make these sacrifices only so that you will make sacrifices for me.

But this isn't really why I make compromises, or sacrifices.  I do them because I love my husband, I love my kids, and I love my family.  I know that no couple is perfect for one another.  "Perfect couples" don't exist.  Great marriages exist because reciprocity is allowed to happen without written or mental records.  Because we are such different creatures, the truth is that I am probably as blind to the sacrifices my husband's makes for me as he is to the sacrifices I make for him.  I do things for my spouse and my marriage ultimately for selfish reasons, because I want it to be as successful, joyous and rewarding as possible.  I reap as many, if not more blessings by failing to keep lists and reminding myself . . . "I didn't do it for a giant pat on the back, I did it for a marriage I intend to last forever."

I'm sure somewhere down the line I will revist this list, perhaps adding to it.    But for now, I think it is pretty complete. Some of you who read this list (if a list of two can even be called "a list") know the trials my husband and I have conquered during our marriage; you know our personalities and who we are.  Perhaps you can gleam some of what I mean.  Those who don't perhaps can relate in ways I can't imagine.  I hope so, because I truly believe that for as complicated and challenging as marriage can be, happiness and success in marriage has the potential to be this simple.