Newest Lesson in Death

It seems fitting that the first time I write after Damon's death it follows the last post which was my mother's thought on when my dad died. For all the pain I had when he passed, it was simple mourning him. I lost my father, and from there we all probably forgot the bad and remembered only the good. Not that there was that much bad to begin with.

I hear some of the things my children say, I realize that this is already true for them. "Mom," Gavyn said, "I wish that Dad were here, I always practiced my speeches with him." "Yes, that was nice" I replied - but knew full well that this was not an accurate memory. Gavyn practiced his speeches with me, then I had to convince him to practice with his Dad, because Dad would like to hear it too. But I didn't tell him that. When you lose your father as he did, and considering the many challenges and complexities that existed in my home, both Gavyn and Damon deserve for those memories, no matter the slight defectiveness they hold. They earned it.

This process of mourning is not easy like when I lost my father. I feel anger sometimes. Angry at Damon for not seeing the impending accident and avoiding it. But I also know that he wasn't meant to avoid it. Damon deserved the peace, comfort and joy that he no doubt has found in his death. He was the love of my life and there are many things about him that I miss. But truth is, I don't miss them all. I don't know if that is normal, but I don't care. We survived and fought to hold on to our marriage in life - it is now preserved in death. I faced challenges I never thought I would, and stood by him when so many thought I should walk away. Unless you loved him, truly loved him, you will never understand why. But I know that Heavenly Father knew that Damon needed what in this life seemed unattainable to him. The week before he died, he actually confessed to me that he thought he was dying. He just felt like his body was breaking down. I thought he was just being paranoid or delusional. But perhaps he felt what so many other's do when they are terminally ill. Perhaps the veil had thinned for him and he felt that his time on earth was coming to an end.

I cry more because I miss the man that I know he in his spiritual state. Without the bonds that held him back in this life, he is the man I always knew he would be.

With all this said, I want to be done mourning. I want to be the incredibly strong woman who fought through hell and has been given a gift in an unexpected package. I love you Damon, and I always will, it is time for me to start letting go of this earthly bond we had; to focus on what we will share in the eternities, but to find true happiness while I await our reunion.